How to Talk to Your Child about Disappointments: Three Questions Parents Should Ask 

Consequences teach children to learn from their mistakes. Consequences guide a child’s behavior and help children learn about the results of their behavior. Effective parents and carers let children experience and learn from the consequences of their behaviour.

What is necessary, is to explore the true circumstances of the event.

We have listed below three simple questions parents can ask to help navigate this with your child.

1. “What part did you play in this?” 

It is important for children to learn this, because that’s the aspect that they can change. Some children are unaware of their part in events, so they need to be helped to explore their contribution to it. Many children will offer a defence.

You can point it out by saying, “Well, it seems to me like you’re making an excuse for not having your homework done.” Or, “Seems to me you’re blaming me for not having your homework done.” Or, “It looks to me like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done.” Whatever the case may be.

2. “What are you going to do differently next time?” 

This is a big question in this conversation with your child, because it gets him/her to see other, healthier ways of responding to the problem.

Try asking, “What are you going to do differently next time when you have to do your homework?” Or, “What are you going to do differently next time so that if your teacher calls on you, you won’t get embarrassed?”

3. “What did you learn from this?” 

Ensure your child takes responsibility and ownership. If a parent takes responsibility for ‘fixing’ the situation your child is unlikely to change their behaviour and the situation will occur again.

Ask them, “What did you learn from being embarrassed when your teacher called on you and your homework wasn’t completed?” Or, “What did you learn from not passing the test?”

Alan Clarke

Paediatric Psychologist